Case 0183106 — The Revolving Door
by Stixer111
Summary: Statement of Douglas Richardson regarding the mysterious disappearance and reappearance of his ex-wife.


**Case****#0183106 — The Revolving Door**

_A/N- My buddy RandomOstrichChocolates on AO3 pries my third-eye open with a crowbar daily. Also no timeline consistency we die like men._

—

_(Tape recorder on)_

_(Knocking)_

**Basira**

Mr. Richardson? (More knocking) Mr. Richardson it's Basira Hussain from the Magnus Institute. We spoke on the phone?

**Jon**

Should we just... go in?

**Basira**

Illegal.

**Jon**

Right. But... I think I just heard him say we could come in.

**Basira**

I didn't.

**Jon**

Really because I'm pretty sure I did and oh look at _that_ the door is open.

**Basira**

How did you— never mind, creepy eye powers. Let's just go.

_(Muffled voices, getting gradually louder as the two approach the sitting room)_

**Carolyn**

Good Lord Douglas has that door done something to offend you?

**Douglas**

Yes.

**Carolyn**

Understandable I suppose. That is a particularly awful shade of yellow.

**Martin**

Um actually Carolyn I-I think he might be serious. Douglas! Douglas put down the fire axe! Arthur I could really use a hand here!

**Arthur**

I dunno Skip, maybe we should just open it.

**Douglas**

Arthur DO NOT TOUCH THAT DOOR.

**Jon**

EXCUSE ME

**Douglas**

Who the hell— Martin _let. me. go._ —who the hell are you.

**Jon**

I'm Jonathan Sims, head Archivist at the Magnus Institute. This is my colleague Basira Hussain.

**Basira**

We spoke on the phone.

**Douglas**

Right. About Herc's sheep thing. Well, as you could probably gather, this isn't the best time.

**Jon**

Mr. Richardson, was this door here before?

**Douglas**

Oh, it pops in and out on occasion. Whenever the mood strikes.

**Jon**

And you were going to take an axe to it.

**Douglas**

Thought it would be a good time for a spot of redecorating.

**Martin** _(mumbled)_

An hour before he's meant to head to the airfield.

**Carolyn**

Shut up, Martin.

**Martin**

I'm just saying!

**Jon**

You were going to take an axe to it. Why?

**Douglas** _(with audible reluctance)_

Because it ate my ex-wife.

...

How did you do that?

**Jon**

Long story.

**Arthur**

Er Douglas... what do you mean when you say the door ate your ex-wife?

**Douglas**

Oh, take a wild guess.

(Staticky Spiral Noises)

**Martin**

What's going on?

**Arthur**

The door's opening!

**Helen**

Hello Dougie.

**Douglas**

(Sighs) Helena.

**Helen**

It's Helen, please. You know I love a good nickname. Such a lovely little lie.

**Carolyn**

Douglas what on earth is going on?

**Martin**

Is that—

**Douglas**

Guys _(Sigh)_ meet the entity formerly known as Helena Richardson. Ex-wife number three.

**Martin**

But— the Tai Chi instructor—

**Helen**

Tai chi instructor? Is that what you told them? How cute.

**Douglas**

Couldn't exactly come to work and say a door ate her, could I?

**Helen**

You see, that's why she liked you Dougie. You always told the best stories.

**Douglas**

Stop.

**Helen**

That's why I liked him too you know. The man is a walking falsehood, it was so easy to find a loose end and just pull. Watch everything he'd built up unravel. Just one lie too many.

**Douglas**

Stop. That's enough.

**Helen**

Oh but the Archivist has questions. Can't you just see it? Helen spoke to him too you know. Just before she met me. She liked him. He said he'd help. But he didn't. He couldn't. Could you?

**Jon**

No. Micheal got to her first.

**Helen**

I think this is where you ask for a statement. Isn't it?

**Jon**

Mr. Richardson?

**Douglas**

I'd rather not if it's all the same to you.

**Basira**

It could help, you know. Talking it out, comparing notes.

**Douglas**

... Fine. But... don't do that _thing_ you did earlier. I need to tell this story on my own terms.

**Jon**

Right, o-of course. Basira if you could take the others to the kitchen, and ask them a few questions?

**Arthur**

Oh brilliant! Will there be snacks?

**Carolyn**

Absolutely not.

**Arthur**

But Mum—

**Carolyn**

No not you, _you_.

**Jon**

I'm sorry?

**Carolyn**

I don't care who you are, but if you think I'm leaving my first officer alone with you and that _thing_, you're sadly mistaken.

**Douglas**

Why Carolyn, I never knew you cared.

**Carolyn**

Shut up, Douglas. It'd be frightfully hard to replace you if you were brutally murdered by a door monster. I'd have to make Herc captain and you know I'm loathe to do that.

**Douglas**

Stop, I'm tearing up. Where is Herc the Berk anyway?

**Martin**

Waiting in the car.

**Douglas**

You should join him. You especially Martin you're supposed to be on holiday.

**Carolyn**

We're staying.

**Douglas**

What, all of you?

**Arthur**

You'd do the same for us... wouldn't you?

**Douglas**

_Fine_. Don't say I didn't warn you.

**Jon**

Statement of Douglas Richardson regarding—

**Douglas**

The mysterious disappearance and reappearance of his ex-wife.

**Jon**

Right. Statement taken directly from subject.

**Douglas**

If I had known that lying about my exact position in a small chartered airline company would turn my wife into Eldritch being, I wouldn't have done it. Probably. See I've kind of always been my own PR team. I mean, people will believe anything if you say it with enough confidence. Just ask Martin.

Of course it would backfire on me in the end. Every time. It just took one person seeing through the facade and I was finished. Lost my Air England Job when a flight inspector looked a little too closely. First marriage went with it. Second marriage fell through because we were both too good at lying to each other and not good enough at lying to ourselves.

Helena was supposed to be different. She was... incredible. Witty, funny, beautiful. She thought the world of me, really. Which was great because I thought the world of myself. And of her. It wouldn't be fair to try and pretend that I didn't think she was something of a miracle herself. When I think back, I didn't really mean to say it, it just sort of slipped out. Too used to lying I guess.

I met her at a restaurant. She was by herself, and as cliche as it sounds, she lit up the room simply by being in it. I had just gotten my job at MJN and things were finally going well for me so I gave it a shot. Introduced myself as Captain Douglas Richardson and got to talking. And we hit it off. You know the ridiculous thing was, it wasn't even really a lie at that point. I was the only pilot at MJN, and therefore the de facto captain.

We were married for a year when Carolyn hired Martin, and I got the boot. Well not the _boot_, it wasn't even a demotion really. I was getting the same pay, doing pretty much the same job, just one less bar on the uniform. But it stung.

Sorry Martin.

**Martin**

Yeah no, it's fine. I mean. It's understandable. What I'm saying-

**Carolyn**

Yes all right let him get on with it.

**Martin**

Sorry.

**Douglas**

Right so, I guess it was just easier to come home and say that MJN had a new first officer and let her make assumptions. And then came a solid couple of years of the charade. It's ridiculous isn't it. A grown man wearing his old captain's uniform when leaving the house, changing before getting to work, and the changing back before going home. But somehow it just felt easier than telling her the truth. And it was fine. I could manage so long as I kept my work and private lives separate. It's not like we had team outings or company Christmas parties or anything. Then it all went pear shaped.

**Martin**

The brown sauce.

**Helen**

Oh yes the brown sauce. It was awfully romantic of you Dougie.

**Douglas and Martin**

Shut up.

**Helen**

Oh, a touchy subject.

**Douglas**

I had brought Helena a gift for our anniversary and made the stupid mistake of leaving it in the flight deck. Martin stopped by the house to drop it off. And, well, it would have been too much to hope he wouldn't notice. Martin's always been... hyper aware of our roles in the company. No offence.

**Martin**

None taken.

**Douglas**

Appreciated. He played along when Helena came out, but I sort of knew I couldn't keep it up after that. So I told her, a few weeks later. And she was understandably upset. More about the fact that I felt that I had to lie about it, I think. She went to a hotel for a few days clear her head a bit, but we weren't on awful terms. She'd message me in the morning and at night, let me know when she was going to a showing. She was a real-estate agent for posh people. Then there were no messages for three days. I didn't think much of it the first day, I was on a flight, and she never liked messaging me while I was working. But on the second day I started to worry. When she finally messaged me it was like the world lifted off of my back. She said she was coming home, she just had to sort something out first. I suppose that's when she went to see you.

**Jon**

I suppose so.

**Douglas**

She never came home.

**Jon**

No... I- no.

**Douglas**

The door showed up after about a month. And something that looked very much like my wife, claiming to be my wife walked out.

**Helen**

I am still Helen, Dougie.

**Douglas**

No. You're really not. And I wish you would just... stop.

**Helen**

I signed the divorce papers didn't I? That counts for something doesn't it?

**Jon**

I'm sorry what?

**Douglas**

People would start asking questions. Needed a reason as to why Helena wasn't around anymore.

**Helen**

We had a nice chat, and well, Helen felt like it was the right thing to do.

**Douglas**

It was _not_ a nice chat, and it hasn't stopped you from popping out of those doors at random. I've stopped having Verity and Emily around... just in case.

**Carolyn**

Can't you get a restraining order or something?

**Basira**

Would a restraining order even work on you?

**Helen**

I'm afraid not, but you could give it a try.

**Douglas**

_(Sigh) _Why are you here?

**Helen**

Because it's _fun_. Every time I pay a visit to someone Helen knows and likes, she tries a little harder to make herself heard. No one ever does though. Pity. Very entertaining to watch. Especially you _Dougie_. It's strongest around you. All those years of lying to her... made her irresistible to Micheal. He was drawn like a moth to a flame. All I had to do was pull the thread. It's maddening, isn't it, the way —

**Arthur**

STOP IT!

**Carolyn**

Arthur!

**Arthur**

No, mum! She doesn't know anything about Douglas! Yeah, he can be kind of- kind of...

**Martin**

Condescending? Egotistical?

**Carolyn**

Smarmy? Manipulative?

**Arthur**

Yeah all of that!

**Douglas **_(sarcastic)_

Oh thanks!

**Arthur**

And sometimes he doesn't tell us everything we need to know, but he's still brilliant! AND even when things are really bad he can make them okay again and that's brilliant!

**Martin**

Arthur I really don't think you should be moving towards her!

**Basira**

Kid, you need to back up now.

**Arthur**

And you! Y-you're rude and mean and definitely _not brilliant_! And you need to stop being awful to Douglas and go home because you were not invited!

_(Sound of a door slamming, faint pop, static sound disappears)_

**Basira**

I'm sorry did you just... send the spiral back into its home dimension... by _telling it that it was being rude_?

**Martin**

I thought that only worked on vampires.

**Basira**

Nah, only thing that works on vampires is death. Very flammable.

**Martin**

... good to know.

**Jon**

She'll probably be back.

**Douglas**

I know.

...

Hey Sims… Helena, when she was taken, did she...

**Jon**

I'm sorry. I- I don't know.

**Douglas**

Right. Well — I suppose we need to head to the airfield.

**Carolyn**

Don't be ridiculous, I've already cancelled the job. We were running exceptionally late anyway. _(Quieter) _So if you need to be alone...

**Douglas**

Probably not a good idea for now... let's get lunch instead. Today has been… a lot.

**Arthur**

Oh brilliant! I could make surprising rice!

**Martin**

Oh god please no.

**Jon**

What's surprising rice?

**Arthur**

I can't tell you, it would ruin the surprise!

**Douglas**

Surprising rice, true to its name, is often as much of a surprise to the chef as it is to the eater.

**Martin**

How about Indian instead? There's a good place nearby. Um, you guys could join if you'd like.

**Jon**

I don't think that's—

**Basira**

I could eat.

**Jon**

_(Sigh)_ I guess we're doing lunch now.

(Sound of the door opening)

**Martin **_(worried)_

What was that!

**Herc** _(voice getting louder as he moves closer to the room)_

Carolyn, it hasn't escaped my notice that you said fetching Douglas would take 'two minutes' and I've been sat outside in the car for nearly 45, which really seems a bit much, even if you take Arthur-penalties into account and — oh. Um... did I miss something?

_(Tape recorder off)_

_—_

_A/N - __Not my characters, just taking them out of the toybox_


End file.
